The First Two Murders

Dr. Klein left the office underneath a telephone pole covered in birds. Inside his head words were swimming:

I remember the time I thought I told the truth, but it was a lie. What does that mean, that I might believe what I say when I don't mean it? What are the meanings behind words, what truth lies underneath them, what happens if I cut their skin, what bleeds, what is language's blood and what

"Oh! Dr. Klein."

Shaina was startled.

"I almost -- I didn't recognize you for a second, outside the office, I mean."

"Shaina. How are you doing?"

She paused, touched her hair. The sun was moving slowly above their heads, and beyond that the universe slightly shifted. Shaina had blonde hair. When she first started coming, it was brown.

"Is that a professional question?"

"Of course not."

"I'm just joking, doctor. Not funny, I know, but--"

"Well Shaina, I'd best be going."

Better to create triangles. Better to find her again, and walk away leaving her feeling that there was something guiding them towards each other, the movement of heavenly bodies, something in their cells, magnetic nuclei, something about the way things are meant to be, yes, meant to be, yes, that's what I'm trying to make

"See you Thursday."

She smiled and looked down.

"See you Thursday," she said.

&

The Doctor's Dream

little elephants come up form the soil and shook their trunks at the sky. I was breaking something down, it was either a stone or a word, or maybe a word carved into a rock. I tried to tell them, hey, elephants, you don't belong here, get back. But they came up and split open at the seams. Butterflies came from their skin loosened and in little piles on the ground. Little elephant skin never forgets, I remember thinking. I was swimming in something thick, it was air but not air, it was a venus fly trap and the thick liquid in its gut. the burning light above me, hot air, long ride back home, I remember thinking that right before she came into the dream. I knew her but I didn't. I could see her face but can't remember now. She said the meaning of the world is not the world, and then wake up and I said what does that mean, and she said wake up wake up and I said I am trying and then I did.

&

meanwhile it was jazz city USA
int other part of town
some kids were trying to get back
to a different time
jazz time
wanted to be wild in the night

horns like sex
right right right
that's why they wore their hats like that
two of them

young-looking but maybe not really kids
can't tell right now
in the this light
can't tell now with what's on their faces

all this dark shadow
and blood

&

"I have strange fantasies, doctor. Strange I guess is a weird way to put it. They are mine, I know, so I guess I should try to own them, own that part of me. But I can't help but step back and look at them like another person might, and then I can't escape the sense that they are strange. I want to put people in the microwaves. I know it's impossible but the thought of it turns me on. Not any people, just certain ones. Shelley from work, I've told you about her. And Keila. From the bank. I can't imagine getting them in but I can imagine seeing them pressed against that plastic. On the door. And the light on inside. Doctor, I know it's weird. It gets me hard, a little even now just talking about it. God I don't understand. It seems obvious, in a way, like it has to with power and control. I get that but it -- knowing that doesn't -- it doesn't change anything. What I want to do. And I can't tell Karen. I couldn't. What would she say? I don't want to even think about it. And she's had her share -- in a totally different way I mean -- but her weird fantasies. I know they feel unwelcome in her case, but they do in mine, too, mine are just less vivid. I mean, she said she used to see things. Penises on fire, pushing through the bedroom wall. That was before the olanzapine. I'm glad she got on that doctor, you have no idea what you did for us. No idea."