My female friend wants to drown her ex-lover in her own urine. I agree to assist her in executing this plan. That is because in my own life there is: work, gym, pears, sleep, people I detest and her. We decide that the urine will be collected prior to the drowning, and stored in a large chilled tub, to ensure that he in no way finds his final breath erotic (IE she will withhold from him the perverse pleasure of observing the moment of discharge). We discuss the ethical ramifications of my suggestion that she collect my urine as well. There are many, so the conversation takes hours. But eventually we conclude that only her urine should be used, because purity > expedience when it comes to executions. My female friend likes to reduce life to formulas. Once she taught me that, “being unhappy ∉ I love you.” Later, using a scientific proof, she also demonstrated to me that “girls = evil” (the derivation was premised on the assumption that “girls = time + $$$,” but I did not have a problem with that). I teach her less than she teaches me. But because she finds me beautiful, this hasn’t occurred to or bothered her yet. I recently tried to determine whether she was also beautiful, only, my formula failed to produce meaningful results: “Brown hair + small chin + size 4 feet + large ass + miniature breasts + large nose + sharp chestnut eyes” simply equaled “Brianne.” But did Brianne equal (=) beauty? I set out to determine whether I could prove that assumption. Knowing that Beauty is (=) In the Eye of the Beholder, I extrapolated that if Brianne is (=) beautiful, then she is (=) in my eye. But this is only sometimes true. It depends where I am looking. Thus I concluded that: [Sometimes/ When I Look at Her] Brianne is (=) beautiful. But when Brianne is (=) alone, what (X) then(?). Brianne + Alone = X?. This is what I wonder while, in the next room, I hear the sound of her piss splashing into the tub (we keep it in my fridge, so that her friends won’t suspect her when all this is said and done (I do not have any friends except for her)): is she beautiful right now, when no one sees her, squatting over the urine bath? We have calculated (making rough allowances for evaporation) that if she continues drinking 1 liter of water per hour for the next four weeks, the urine should reach a sufficient depth to successfully drown her ex by February 14. With each successive piss, I am able to detect the rising urine level from the deepening bass of the splash. And I notice, the more she pees, the more a strange feeling of emptiness grows within me. I try to get at the heart of this phenomenon, but as a writer, I am hardly the mathematician she is. Maybe it is my fear that when this is over, we will have nothing left; but that is just frivolous speculation. Ultimately I can only settle on a simple conditional: If Brianne = Alone, then I = Alone (naturally the contra positive of this is not necessarily true). It remains among my deepest hopes that soon, I will be able to define one of these three variables in a way that will allow me to determine whether this relationship is (=) Good or Bad.

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