When I was a boy

The song we used to sing, it went like this—

Never been lonely
Never been lied to
The cross is in the ballpark
The cross is in the ballpark

You were shy, at first; a nun in fourth grade told you it would be better for the choir if you kept your mouth shut. I said: What do nuns know? Then you smiled, opened your mouth up wide--

*

The first letter went like: Labor Day, Michael, and I am cleaning the house, I am taking out the stuff of several seasons gone by to make room for whatever wants to com e through my window. Will it be wind? Or will it be you? I love you, forever, and this life is our labor: a poem of love, a story of redemption. Whatever comes through the window, I shall name it you.

The last letter is hard to remember. Like broken glass. Like holes in the ceiling. I signed it and walked away. I licked your name and pressed it shut.

I am still walking.

When I was a boy, you said: Oh Michael, is anyone who understands our love? We were driving past the harbor, back to school.

No Miss Mary, I said, I don’t think so.

You were so pleased we almost had an accident.

* *

In the dream you were a girl I used to love at 16. You said to me, aren’t I pretty? and I said yes, very much; and you asked, do you want to touch my legs? and I said, yes, very much, I want to touch you legs, and slid my hands from your knees to your thighs. When I got to your pussy, I felt something hard. I pulled out a pearl. You started screaming and that’s when I woke up with a fist I was too afraid to open.

*

When the first letter came the world changed overnight. Trees undressed, their bodies bare in the February air. Everywhere I looked – red sky, holly berries in snow, papery moon – I saw: heart, heart, heart. I could hear the world breathing. I wrote it out on paper: Michael, Ithaca, New York, East Coast, America, Western Hemisphere, Planet Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe, Multiverse, God’s heart.

*

The last time I was too scared to breathe, so inside my head I sang

Never been lonely
Never been lied to
The cross is in the ballpark
The cross is in the ballpark

and kept my mouth shut tight



--amr--